英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。

- \- A; N9 o: k+ A' i; O. l* N2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
- K5 [6 V) ]% \0 Z1 k7 ?我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！

; s. M( r  b/ y/ G% P* n3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
1 Z& y- F' z" P& |6 I" y$ \, _. N  ~with experience.
# X1 _0 W0 M$ [0 ]5 m你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你

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" x* g1 K/ }8 y. n$ T+ A' E$ ^; d4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
- W9 E  J1 P) `; a7 C
意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
2 O5 X  [- u: g% [! U7 N8 J
b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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# q! F2 t1 r$ G0 R' H$ x6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
( \6 H/ ?8 P8 I
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

; F! i7 S6 Y* b. B3 `b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。
( B* T7 V6 ]; F$ B* x7 U1 m' C$ R
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
" j& m' x3 R! x9 e在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

: h0 Q1 X( O& t! O& F8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
& l, r) L% `7 x* s- D0 }0 \1 Gbetter have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

3 d& U9 m( |& n0 Z& X: \9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
  B3 _' p/ d) s1 Z# M4 T+ Nn't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
6 H& M/ z/ P# @; O9 Y1 C$ c5 j还是很有喜感。
- ]; o& z' q* N, a
3 _2 b, g- ~8 [3 b0 j" o10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
4 L& |, a4 D( ^2 ~8 Uged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
* `1 B5 W8 ]2 {- \
8 Z: C2 E( n5 }: g, S; D  p11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
0 d# P: [' [; g& S3 c( }2 j% i战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

4 B7 Y: m4 W6 j4 c9 g% d12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
9 o& A$ K2 ^' u# X.
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！
' v2 n0 S% p; e2 Q0 c. I+ R
b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6 W) [) ?5 t0 d% V: M! a7 H9 W. Y我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

2 k# _3 X: B6 I: i- _, n) L4 f14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
7 e/ p* ^: q" J& I男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
9 D0 ?+ z  [& [6 ], ^
2 M% v4 a9 n8 ]) v) J8 [2 J15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
il you hear them speak.
2 ?9 u4 y: U) c: |光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...
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9 C  D, s. W4 t16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
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+ b$ q8 X4 A8 ?18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
2 ]" \5 R6 O& m3 k1 p/ |9 ]你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~

; U) M7 q0 |/ [- D5 O) L" |* M19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
XXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
) M- l& E3 Y" U
9 w/ v" c' G' x' |4 ]/ ]2 v20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
! a4 W( i3 J# E0 T7 V: t. _+ J4 F0 gtell you why it isn't.
$ x& X2 x' \/ |! h/ X晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
6 s8 X+ r! X/ m( ]- L( N直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

! N9 j' j, k$ d# p( R: p9 a. U22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
2 l& T. n, K, z7 X! _0 e! N& L6 G如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
' `1 U& J! b# J1 b4 ?
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
8 h9 q0 s+ y% I/ m2 \/ P( s篮子。
5 }* U' ^: n5 Q4 G) _+ [+ K& Q意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~

. t( }. \( s* X  F5 D& ~24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  F. ^3 M) S2 ]8 z$ m0 r4 I- a上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
. G) m% p: _4 q  n- ~- G) K
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
& [4 j9 b" P+ o/ Y无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
" ^7 `! d) |$ ~0 i
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
0 R6 u4 a. e- {3 ]8 z# ~+ B# v老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
0 C5 b7 `: I4 k* W4 a
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
6 S& D) S7 D5 [# O要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
: h6 W( l$ x! c* F+ C
# V7 G- x9 G+ f1 n29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
ity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
3 o+ N  G! f% P6 T: bm fish?
$ P& f5 V. U8 u3 u海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。
# t, D& h- {3 h- g2 }$ C; \, I/ }$ C& ?
. j8 P' z3 E/ |/ Q+ o30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
g.
( T# }# B6 ?. Fa. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
! n4 Z% Z/ k5 Q  W7 ?5 r2 P
8 _7 i% B; K5 s& \  Z7 }31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
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( {4 ?, o* ?; S# y0 P32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
# x, w& E- b1 i( Q4 l1 f) }up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
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' N7 C" x, V8 }7 o3 E4 y$ @33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
5 r% o# J: L3 B) J% Wt check when you say the paint is wet?
( f9 x& Y3 H- o1 D: Z( Z8 N, p( H2 z为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
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: W6 E# i8 X" Y0 c% b/ U* F) s6 U0 j34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
$ l1 e4 e* s1 z4 j4 Ul doubt.
6 Z5 ^* ^" ^4 s- k7 z# fa. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
5 O. R. Y$ E+ ?* w) Cc. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
/ L" @3 H/ |2 o8 x' bd. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

3 e3 D4 [0 J& C0 {1 |5 N35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
$ K/ z) Z, U0 Lt need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方
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36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
a.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。

b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。

37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫
# E5 w! \+ ~4 c0 B, [9 l3 B
38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
- m4 w" ^, G8 @3 _c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
3 V' U7 g+ Q, C* `  d* {. }( W7 K5 r9 F
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
" A) A8 \+ @4 E1 l% Ya. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
$ y/ L; \1 I! v5 H2 g+ Cb. 想立牌坊就得会装

40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
; y9 k1 D$ f0 |5 X8 u临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
, A4 S+ a# r. s5 \
9 c2 x8 b9 p) \* L41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
: r1 {8 b3 Z, S  _; f( u: y2 V4 n( J如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
4 u- I, o) D4 q9 L3 ?2 D) X小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
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! ^: h" u3 {( [) G4 K& _5 Y$ f; \43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
rls live.
6 ?  o' G9 i$ }圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！

' X2 ?9 c8 s# i" D9 b44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
& C7 X8 `5 [4 U6 W) Rch.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

' B+ W) |3 m- V; {45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.

46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
: \2 M5 ~6 b- G0 g7 F, t% q% U9 cgreat white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
叫声是一样滴。

+ U6 R/ G  E* Q5 S% r" C2 g47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
) |+ J& Y  ?& w: a直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。

, h' }1 H0 X% V( a; ]+ L) ^( N48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！

1 x) L% c6 P# o; d) u3 l7 d+ g" b49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
& ~9 m* L/ g" H- y% V/ }" [当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
么忙？！

% R: [" D; _3 Q& R0 w; N50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
7 M) @2 l- H, P3 R- }0 a5 Q& ]上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
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winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多

  p8 u7 k; m' ]+ ^5 G6 a% _0 W第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改
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* s, L2 G9 \6 |* x# g3 L. V4 u2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
( I' r. I# L3 ]6 z$ s: f$ P我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
1 v5 M( x9 _& U( c& ^样死法啊！
8 s. s! q' X! C我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)
3 W3 l* _( Z- u; v7 ^" m
: f/ A& p& A/ ~5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
9 d1 c) g: @5 s- ^! j- qa. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
# M" E1 u2 I( z& y) {相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。

9 w! E# a& p0 o7 c& e6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9 X# `" a! ^/ f" d- ra. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）
& m$ ?, w9 k  E! e
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
XXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。

3 i9 y  A2 a! a1 M3 H( x3 R! s! Z4 `9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
5 O; V% v  D' q" ?5 o0 On't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
' e8 r. S9 ]3 w/ ^还是很有喜感。
某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。

  K) }& F2 A2 y& ]( i10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
7 o4 E2 F' v/ zged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
* h# V* N. x, M  s了！！
政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样

5 S) z& r# }. l  I( O6 g0 e& b14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
$ h7 U) D& a, l5 k, A; |8 Q- ?男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
* I6 e% O: [- V- X# f男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。

! `, H2 d! R% @9 i% R& ^17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
5 F& i. T+ h( c* B* w/ u曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。

$ C! h3 h& |; u7 K% b* G19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
" r' u) u1 o$ S1 b2 q& V1 MXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
XXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。

" s+ U2 p) m7 ]2 |$ p39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
9 U( s0 F$ V. C: B0 oa. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
! }; k2 C, @2 F; N# |& s若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊


另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子
/ `- r9 O8 Y2 t4 t$ S5 x5 Z- j+ c. W$ i
  \  C  u+ n" ~- P第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
' y: q' k+ _% \5 g不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了

我觉得N版改得经典