英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
) d7 s+ v5 g: Z! f, n; Q6 jbike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
9 o8 d; _! L- t3 C2 |2 G6 P% s样死法啊！

3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
' {  T: e% N3 v你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你
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4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
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6 |7 X1 M3 E. r! G& X2 r3 b意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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% v- i2 M* E# N* A( M5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
2 ?1 m) Z, K4 H$ {a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
* B7 [' b. C7 N( p6 b. ?
0 V* f3 H& {) i/ ]b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  n  o# s. V7 F  ?在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
( l" a" o( T0 O, |XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
3 a$ T) P3 c: w& h( mn't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
' D6 ]& |( J" D! }% v) D& o还是很有喜感。
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10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
0 i# @2 @  [( m1 W+ R" ~! W, `ged regularly, and for the same reason.
4 J/ z; V. X9 k. t政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
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11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。
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& [& B6 n; z8 w4 L4 {6 o12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
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a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！

$ N, E! b* N8 [, P) D0 Y0 T# p" [b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

% n/ q/ Q! h  h: b13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
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14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
1 V: \! ]% d. E' R( E0 An, make him a sandwich.
& A2 C/ @3 e3 l  a男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
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  d) h7 \1 [/ a7 n15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
1 s# A% T( t* z& ~& Sil you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...
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16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
# r1 {$ _4 T6 S+ l: P2 z& j我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
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17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
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18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~
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19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
$ B" M: W2 u9 J/ rXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...

20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
; S& _/ O9 L; b/ V- [晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
. P# z9 p( w, W& [+ x4 x! [0 ~9 W8 Zbox to start a campfire?
: r; [, \9 K4 n& t7 e9 c7 M直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

% a& A# _+ M; W/ w/ f22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
* ~% _6 k) i+ V$ ns it?
如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
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4 L: k& w  `, [2 N+ {$ O4 S23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
- M9 _+ ]* I; z* H# p篮子。
意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
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1 Z6 c5 t$ w$ v) `0 Q  \% c4 h25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
# B; m+ L; k, @9 e9 t8 _5 }3 _9 `same night.
/ R; X8 g( J  o- R, ~无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
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: ]+ b: ?# n* H- X. |7 V4 S8 y& U/ `27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

) J4 O, {( h3 K28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
$ z5 v1 v1 y$ |  J2 r% E要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。

29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
2 {$ y; R* W! M; L5 l: u- Z. Tity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
) X; a1 \: g* f# Y7 l8 D, V4 nm fish?
海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。
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30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
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4 l, X; ~* _$ p6 v9 Z0 d0 ia. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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5 n; A. o# t# T7 Y; @8 m  N31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
9 j& e1 `* X! s% W9 ]  [瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
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; l# r" B6 z9 j4 v0 j32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
$ z5 [$ |, u9 S; q5 D% J) {and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
up.
, \4 V$ ^9 I; q! _$ f- O孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
t check when you say the paint is wet?
7 S" l( _- f! O8 U! @! q6 {! v( }为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？

& k$ i3 c4 \9 c% x34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
, e3 A4 |6 o3 ?8 }; }0 Fl doubt.
/ D5 `! T; ]$ \6 Ua. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
" q4 b0 p7 ^- Zb. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
: L" J7 |* X: r- p1 ~c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
d. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。
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35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
5 g6 j' r0 L# r( Qt need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

4 v4 u9 a7 e( R9 L6 t" @36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
* b0 Q, i# x# @- l6 K5 ^a.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
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b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。

! D2 V7 e: K/ j1 x37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
3 o* P* ]1 ~% f" j3 o) x0 d意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫
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; @" P! d5 P4 T$ n9 o38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
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39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
% i9 G( F! [! R0 ?: Z  U* qa. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
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( f8 Z. e: ?% D3 d2 l40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
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7 r9 S. J& z  F) J: R41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
& n+ j' r& A' sa bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
& R! q1 q6 v0 x. N4 |7 Y如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
rls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
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. e9 e  {# W& r% J9 M44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
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剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。
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45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.

46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
6 L/ X$ Y' m3 b* Sgreat white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
6 d& v; o9 `- c) l  {8 M, q3 E叫声是一样滴。
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47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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# \; c- C. N1 `  b9 Q' }0 p+ k48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！

9 J* V/ v3 D8 Y3 Q( W7 |49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
么忙？！

50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
0 v3 O, C) P' g" d( o0 ]上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
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xuyiqing

太搞笑了！

jazzbelle

膝盖已碎……

狼爷话不多

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

AshBelm

语言果然有趣。

alljillcindy

不管怎样~~~都挺搞笑的~~~有些翻译够神的

xyz.

笑喷了

黑魔神

都好有闲情逸致

kingchen4817

[s:81]原来不同的翻译，意境也会不同

benshouting

太幽默了 有木有啊~~
2 {1 c! r) y2 V$ R[s:85]

精英十字军

板凳楼的翻译很好很强大