英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。

- J1 I/ Z# m' U$ Z2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
% x$ \- H7 H% D7 ?nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
0 }1 u$ U( f6 {& E我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！

3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
5 U2 U1 d2 `. L6 ~  `with experience.
( _+ b# }! [+ p( ~你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你


4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- n5 A0 K, e( D. n直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

' Z3 l/ [6 w! G1 }& @' ~3 [- F意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

1 f2 N2 W" p. k) U3 F+ l意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
! W9 K% I7 x1 a2 W- L: _& ]
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
" U3 E  R3 Y* l6 F4 ~( ha. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
9 Z3 N# A; d6 Y6 \; K
" A* R+ W& _$ ]b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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# \$ R+ _  J8 L1 x3 P0 g8 j6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  \8 q+ y3 ~9 c7 W
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
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b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。
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/ a4 O! ~9 b! n$ a8 _8 @7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
, p# w8 n9 Z( O& R, o; x& k  j. x' b3 p在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
7 `9 h5 R0 v2 z  v# }better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

2 Y; n7 q# T5 g7 O! X1 f9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
2 _, I) z; C. P+ }& {n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
) {/ j$ U$ _% C3 j有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
9 v, u# N  c6 {4 \
; R' B) E  R) }/ @4 _% K10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
/ b, s8 o/ _4 E& W+ d1 m/ Iged regularly, and for the same reason.
# L7 [3 ]8 K' V/ _$ n9 F政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
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  f) v, V! N! d/ H3 j, X11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6 M1 B: I7 W# Y" ^  q( Z  u战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
9 H( u- }. |6 v# E1 p6 {.
/ {% T; O- ^" h  C3 ~: ]* x# X* a0 da. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！
" `9 b9 a  m4 v! t7 M
b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。
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. ?2 l2 ^7 M- z6 Y: q13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9 k3 y7 i- X5 I9 m3 G2 M" b我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
7 s& F2 m' ~/ e
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
5 P, q, ?* b: f5 o: t
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
) X. P: X/ J+ kil you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...


; V2 \: e7 B8 _$ F; Y16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
5 ~" |& h0 V. g4 R, [% P
3 p3 n$ `+ X0 U, R$ f% z0 n17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

# r" _; W. _% _* V1 J8 E8 H18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
/ I* b8 f9 u2 J3 y5 ^s.
' W! ]3 P* f  h9 |6 \你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~

9 X0 b9 O' F! ?1 r" O, s8 U19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5 L9 K6 d# b# CXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
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20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
/ \6 a5 i4 p' m! g. ~tell you why it isn't.
4 D* y) E6 l( g" r: Y0 M- A晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

/ U2 j# h! \; D  a* T: F) @21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
* u8 `  e) \, d' |直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
5 k% n3 ]0 S. Y如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
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# v0 k1 p/ W  e5 j23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
% p# |. r& u& q5 {7 d5 ~7 R$ r意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
篮子。
" T* ]% ]0 J; ~, r6 k, P意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~

( G- f- R, R5 |3 ?5 q5 D! `24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
2 n4 W) }, g+ y( {' a5 _) _% o上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！

/ D% y/ ], g1 ~: x25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  X& _( T; r$ E" h3 g0 m老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
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27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…
5 L5 V1 ^' r3 r2 i) a' M3 P
& P- d7 |2 h6 s7 m0 T! [% [28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
; R4 V( F" O1 d! M% W要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。

5 A# `9 N3 H4 K2 N29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
" v/ U. |; t0 e/ Y% g9 g  u! dity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
m fish?
海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
/ ~' d5 b& m0 K0 T1 C( v2 i+ S: @# H了。

6 E" \. m: e. s, _& R30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
  |& L) p4 u& S' p' i4 P1 tg.
$ j/ D4 e$ ~( {6 C3 @1 ~/ Q/ [, U: ya. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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: G# d6 o# k7 ]' \. T/ K31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
+ I( S/ _0 x& K" w. V% }瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
( ^2 H% z6 z: R: s
32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
up.
% [5 D1 r6 C" M3 k5 ~2 S* r孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
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" _, P" r  X0 N! ?. J: n$ f0 F% x33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
. s6 g8 p' r4 g, q$ Dt check when you say the paint is wet?
! e( b9 N. v2 P& [: j. u为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
4 R# y2 X" {& v
$ |- Q5 F9 O8 B! m  @3 F34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
l doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
% L8 @: S8 i; L" v4 H" s/ ~d. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
t need it.
- J( T% G  n, W银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
a.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。

b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
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4 A* b# ~4 w  q( {37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
# H8 i' b) D1 `0 D意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫
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38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
9 r# p+ r$ G; h* k; p  n0 Q$ d. xc. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
5 W$ [! y: t8 p' t, j
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
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1 |4 ?* r8 M8 P40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
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41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
& l! |0 Y3 ]4 y# _& {8 P5 ~a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
! W2 j" d" f) A! _; G+ X如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。
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! q" D- o, |" |5 Z' c7 d, r. J, M0 y42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
5 K# L+ f& u3 `/ |$ f小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
) s  B( X6 M8 I8 i, `
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
* b/ [4 H, ?5 b) T. {rls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！

$ y$ g7 Y; Z8 y" U% \; w6 g44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
0 Y1 Y+ u( ^# sch.
9 K$ O( |5 }; C) y剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
1 P2 Q6 W9 L" c' {意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

) X6 E/ r. H7 p" a45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
! A' ~7 }+ c/ U# ?# J7 h有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.

7 B( `9 n8 d' i7 U: N7 C6 ?7 V46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
/ B6 V( B8 Z! x3 B4 e  X& S叫声是一样滴。
2 o* V+ J( f% f6 ^
47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
7 d" K" Y- D4 V7 ]+ M' l直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
  ?; P, V+ b& M: ^4 o+ x6 `意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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" N/ x- ^% q# F48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
; o7 S3 _; M+ i0 {  N) ]+ U7 J% s我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！
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5 e% V6 z  b' `* L8 I49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
% l" e7 z5 y7 R5 {1 E* l: _当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
么忙？！
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50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！

winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！
6 e% \& ^- c# Y0 h- |! t/ V
! R( ]& s& _$ ?0 f2 d第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多
! g5 E  C: O1 A) }5 l& b1 w6 V
第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改

, f' C% {6 D0 s2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
, @2 X( a- m" h; P4 ~nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
8 R: _) i- l! `) v( M) @我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)
) c7 g1 d1 c2 C1 X3 W
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。
1 W4 k. y: O  V8 N  _
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
( x! h: {  j. N9 q0 X先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）
: K4 J  E. |5 V
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
( g! ^0 `' I7 |- U) i8 rbetter have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
XXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。
9 u) H9 U+ ?( x/ p4 Q+ c
9 |8 Y4 t( ^1 l' X( h  g9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
! d+ O& ]! O( d8 B7 V还是很有喜感。
/ R( k3 k5 W9 R# s' s' K9 ?2 p$ V某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。
* v9 L3 W: N; \
) l. {0 f3 L% [+ g10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
5 w: R2 ~* I6 s( M+ p% qged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
" u* X, j* E, b; v6 h9 B了！！
$ S" n% O7 x6 S' s9 E' g' k# P政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样
5 h0 {* ^7 E# @( v
3 O) n' [# _6 _14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
0 H/ H  t5 E3 E/ |. {# W$ P; W4 P男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
4 |$ h: N% x$ D; F# a' u9 d我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。

: [8 X) {7 ^6 k3 p* j3 u1 y! t  D17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
! @' \  N* ]# M# b3 {: Z7 D* OXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
XXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。
; `9 d! _) i. E
1 ^/ z+ f* w" b/ y/ z6 ~8 z39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
0 q' a0 e) }4 d$ |若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊
! p* ]7 }& N5 k+ _( @$ ^2 E, k6 G  E

另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子
2 y$ E7 R5 o( b* f. i* W! y
第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了
7 {8 Q! [$ F' W0 G+ `# ?' V
/ S1 H4 \1 b8 }/ }4 L我觉得N版改得经典