英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
# @1 ~3 N+ R- [* Wbike and asked for forgiveness.
# X. _/ P9 c! U  A  {# H开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
' d5 M2 [- N8 Y( ~样死法啊！
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/ w+ Y" q1 V- R( l8 G1 I% Z0 `2 j3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你
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4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
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意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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, ?; J. i! ~6 W5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...

b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
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b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

9 ^1 e1 u8 I2 s8 V5 ?+ \4 g7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.
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8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
0 v/ t# ^) Y' iXXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
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1 r9 f8 @3 N6 c. O7 |- o10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！

5 r) R9 h# `. h% m6 i' C11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
9 \* `: E; A1 R- S战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

& Z# v$ x8 c/ g$ E5 w) w! U6 v12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
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7 l0 X# q3 w! x' ea. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！
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b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。
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8 x' U# B' J% s3 D3 c5 r' `3 y( |- i13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
3 N# I" b, Y% N! K: c$ Q" o我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
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14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
* d' x0 L' @6 B1 wn, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！

15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
/ J9 `6 S! c! ?2 H% Cil you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...

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16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
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7 W, O4 z  q: ?3 a1 R17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
7 \, I0 q+ \" B& S3 K/ ~% z8 l8 U曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

2 d: Q0 \, @: ~) O* p18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
0 }6 l, ^5 k( ]- V9 ?7 `# x: [5 g9 ts.
) u& b# {5 s# W  D- z# \: Z  B你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~
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19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3 I" h0 U# Q& Y& GXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
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) g7 Z$ Y( C1 {8 y. P) ?20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
/ M( f( @' [/ h  }3 o6 T5 ?box to start a campfire?
直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

7 j+ C. h$ |; i  A, G$ w22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
  B! b; S  V- o* L如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
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* Q; v3 J$ @0 p( z% A23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
/ W0 V' _) J( O! H' q% v直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
% ?) C$ L) L+ B5 Q% v2 v/ x意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
& b2 `4 v$ o! _3 z! B9 h/ |篮子。
, q6 v0 a* O/ c6 D/ A8 V- w% j意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！

2 ?5 e. d* p! u7 P' R3 ]' g8 g25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
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27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…
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/ c3 [# b$ w3 i, U( V8 l2 `% z28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
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. S2 J) q6 g5 G" q9 z$ ~29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
ity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
m fish?
) J. J) v% P! l0 O海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
/ I5 G6 u5 L  S了。

, d3 y  A0 f( J3 E2 r" ]2 v30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
' E0 G2 g1 k! I% A/ Vg.
a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
, o& f' N# f4 S3 e! u: I: }b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！

31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
7 L) R% `% ~2 R, L$ Ets?"
- l0 d% B  @" _8 W* ?; F8 ]$ ?瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”

# S1 }1 E5 S) y! Q, z+ b32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
' t1 R7 R7 h$ R+ F1 [and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
/ Q5 L' M" A( N* a* gup.
8 {9 ]- R, d  h/ v孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
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- s$ N, R6 v4 {% N% J33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
6 \% O5 d- N$ S- Bt check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？

: c! ?- i8 S3 Z$ A5 k% U. t7 Z3 T34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
& ?5 {8 I4 [" y* ^2 |l doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
" Q9 Z: L9 ~9 L0 Y, Ed. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。
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35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
t need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
( ]" O  l( D% ^& i! za.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。

b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
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37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
2 u# {4 P5 M/ h3 J  W+ \' Q  }% Ha. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
: W$ S5 S1 o' A  r- [3 J意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫

1 J! @8 |/ L. }- Z1 ~6 `7 L( z0 d' Z38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
9 J( r: \! A* K8 j; O) c4 \意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
+ Z, e8 T4 N9 O# Ic. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
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39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装

- [, b# n$ _! Q( {40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
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$ A& X2 _0 R1 g# j4 Z, q6 Z6 U41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
7 s& W% Q) T) v" B1 M. Ra bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
) v% z+ n# Y, E, s* ^6 u& g; K如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。

& m, c# d% \7 g42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

  k2 p2 F# k/ f+ p! Z0 \) H43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
5 a' n- R" S' z: v( Qrls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
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44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
; P1 v# F3 P3 W8 R, ?% ach.
1 G1 C* `$ w. f6 y4 d剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
4 `1 T$ {6 ]& h2 h意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

- H7 r1 y  P% h& `; y' B" @45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.

& d- `7 h: e( M0 ?: D& u& _9 t46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
' i# l3 Q$ g$ O( @叫声是一样滴。
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47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
( j$ I2 k2 S, D( e, ]) J( l* L+ R直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
6 Q- V1 [8 a6 n5 m0 o5 H& [$ `我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！
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, X  D; Y6 C$ |4 R49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
4 k' D" F5 |* |  Xy, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
2 {- |  w& e- z) i2 K4 y* k/ q当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
' c3 _, X! ?2 I8 Y* x  p2 v6 Z么忙？！
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, v2 M" b# r& V3 L/ P- r50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
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winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多

. U7 {- l& a$ x' X0 @" q! a6 M第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改

+ C2 D4 g: M+ h2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
# {' p! R3 g! A( Z& t" M% p! Ynd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
5 X6 M& `( l( g5 ^$ g相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。
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9 d8 F9 P/ M! N  j7 w3 m! ^2 S/ v" P6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* v  F7 q9 m0 B7 X% xa. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）
; {% j5 V( I$ D0 {* J& z
0 |& r9 Q" |, _0 a9 @8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
' P( y3 k/ Q; ~4 }6 S1 ?7 \XXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。
. H+ r$ d" B; `7 V6 S* N; c
9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
0 g* x1 R0 c; L& y; w5 t  nn't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7 I2 V: ?/ C2 i- z+ p有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
; t- I8 c- ]% k# a7 s3 P某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。

& p4 g# W4 ?% m) b10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
* f- ?0 n: z" b& d/ b政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
$ @" d5 h2 X: ?3 b7 i9 f了！！
% y# l# O% U' f' b政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样

; b# C4 o, \9 B$ d3 q) T4 M14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
0 _, I4 y# p1 i. ^7 n5 F$ @: W, ?4 c" yn, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
' ?, r' n6 B6 i' j9 n! X. `男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。

4 @8 ~2 B/ @* c; L16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
, v% ^: F( Y" m我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
6 q8 b9 I3 ~; Q2 I& u每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。
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17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
+ z6 \6 u7 v% O4 m! ^曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
  d$ F* c9 L; s$ j- b# b: C曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。
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19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6 h  @4 @' o3 SXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
XXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
6 H1 r3 {; w" l+ I2 T2 G9 h3 ?a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊


3 @% d, D6 l9 t# K  t& }) i另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子
; X* W6 _) d, j1 v6 H
第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
3 ^* J4 }8 @0 r0 y3 H1 I" h不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了

: ?  ^7 ?, Y* c. U我觉得N版改得经典