英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
. J( \# E3 o1 h2 n/ N开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
% x: a% U3 D% Q6 und yelling like the passengers in his car.
! C9 V5 l& Y% W6 U  Q我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
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9 ~8 `, K; `& W; m1 \/ e8 ?3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你

* H; s  [3 q/ F* R; e( ?
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
/ m9 d5 T  @) K' {% K' ]3 c* m直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
, M2 i# I' |5 P% ?. w9 s
5 I7 q9 B* k' t意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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- h6 R) H$ j0 y! l) ]5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
) r$ q' f# ~6 Za. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...

5 ?! f* n* z# A, [  \b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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5 `5 k5 ?1 y9 `- Q( D# y0 D' @6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
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b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

$ v! ]3 [( Z" y2 {7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
( c, q. I( A4 s- @在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

0 H- y" d! \5 G" d' _* G8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
7 z" D' N! p2 @* {  u, V4 ]XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
3 c9 z9 F  T3 N6 A/ K, H9 C
9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
' M+ n2 H" e+ r5 On't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
. Z* i5 K+ k: R' Z* `还是很有喜感。

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！

5 O% W$ y3 E; {$ i# X11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
' u9 S( q7 I' b# c0 h4 R* Z7 V战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

. X: l* h/ Q& T! S12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
5 t! w; C) @/ Z/ }.
7 X9 x) }" ~& e9 Z$ V7 q6 _- g4 D8 Pa. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！
5 Z+ k* \% X, f0 r* G( }& J$ v# ^
b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。
5 B. i1 r3 S& d3 T5 ?+ V
& m2 z4 _, u: j" V/ t& v13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6 J  w) m  ~# j+ @我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
, Y+ l4 F: j8 Q6 C- H% ]' h6 ~" S% W男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
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9 |) W7 b- h% O15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
8 g6 O' `6 c3 L9 ^0 Lil you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...
" }5 V3 f. v$ T$ L: u" \" G0 a

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
8 h3 ~4 I! E1 h我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。

1 P, \+ z9 E' A3 a/ P17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

( C7 i4 Z, c! _4 `' u% l0 ~2 B( G18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~

# a, L' S0 ~8 x. J19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
2 `! p2 n! ?% H7 i+ sXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
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0 B* r' q. ?0 x$ E6 C4 T20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
& P' p( u, n2 [+ ]1 u' J晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

7 X& ]( E( L; r5 p, G  s21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
" H- h9 u+ ^' ~) [( @box to start a campfire?
' d6 S8 r" [0 z" |, I: ]直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科
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. [" `% S: O2 M7 @9 L: q; w22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
3 j7 Z4 {$ b# w, j5 v如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？

23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
" m* F2 P3 ]2 g. c6 G1 G9 I* w直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
  u8 G0 `; M2 R! _* V! j% \/ X篮子。
# Y$ w1 |5 M: r, U6 U& K4 I! T意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
" m' r' w$ w. k/ T" K2 H上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
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25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
6 N+ t$ q0 N$ F无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。

26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
; G7 F# |) W0 g' p) \, H: m老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
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27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
3 ~5 ~2 b5 p% K4 }# S  p" j. On my desk, I have a work station..
, g$ q; [$ f9 F2 a# v4 E, L公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

1 U+ g4 A- \4 G2 c+ ?. C28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
2 X$ P  e, V0 s* r, }要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
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+ H- j  R, w& ~* r- v1 G29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
! ~) Z6 l9 R1 _  A5 Bity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
- t8 P1 E* Z6 j( a+ p; c8 }  Sm fish?
# V6 D2 F" \& H0 P海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
) @3 ~, c4 w# [$ E了。

- _. q' X+ y( e. ]* g& `1 I30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
g.
a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
7 ?5 R9 I" n( E5 f) T, t; y6 [$ Jb. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”

32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
  [, d& t: J( ~and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
# P. S+ v9 ?1 C# a. xup.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
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0 z7 }: k1 ?1 w  }! U/ d1 r' B33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
4 B9 i* x5 T! r2 t/ Pt check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
7 M8 I( [' S5 x. F/ _3 m( j
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
l doubt.
, j& p4 \5 g, y" f. Ja. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
% X: v3 N  o( t+ {c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
$ N' I) Y8 p$ h% W4 P% M! @) Cd. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

+ E/ O! L+ r% P4 `35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
! I; ^6 V7 X5 Y- kt need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
# Z  g+ ^; y( D- Y. g; Fa.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
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) d. {  t. s2 _+ h# Q) ]7 Fb. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。

37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
7 ^9 M; B" \$ y$ @  C意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫

& B. n' b: [# _9 l8 w7 H- f( {1 O1 I38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  d. p6 E& E7 da. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
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40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
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41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
* ^9 t1 a) L' M" W- n0 A8 l。

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

, z) M; ?& x9 ]0 J43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
$ l) o6 z( S! w) G6 l9 \6 Krls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
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44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
ch.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

9 S7 Q3 g. Q4 i# e6 T45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
( g+ \  k/ l; v& w( y. J有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.
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46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
' u: Q8 C- I  I) ?4 p我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
叫声是一样滴。

6 [3 _! `5 i* a47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！

3 S9 Q! U2 k& N6 m5 v" N49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
+ b- O- T7 q( _$ y6 j当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
; p, K0 X9 @6 Z0 K么忙？！

50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！

winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多

. q) s- ^2 x0 p0 F: L0 A! X* @第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
/ N7 Z4 F# J5 fnd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
& s' j- \' M1 r% L样死法啊！
我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
4 L5 i  W- A; ^+ p5 h( A* g+ c/ Ha. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
% Y: @; n$ j) I% t6 E相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* z0 w$ q3 U& B; Y8 ?3 q. x% Va. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）
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7 K$ A' d+ v3 k3 j) ?" p8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
$ ^1 `4 ~4 }2 ~5 M2 I$ Rbetter have a good hand.
' R! @, d, c2 `) ^' {. }XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
# K; P3 ?# ^' MXXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。

$ [& K6 ]: a  o2 U8 h+ R' O  t9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
, C7 W0 U( w9 Y/ hn't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
3 Q/ J- |# [0 I4 x$ p5 M还是很有喜感。
* S, |5 \7 n9 r' E* _/ j+ ~某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。
! m- q! w6 F0 x
& s+ K9 N$ H5 Q2 `1 w, M" a10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
# |: l. p6 ^! g6 F3 N0 R7 T" \5 h% W7 rged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
1 J/ X: y# E3 z政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样
" ]9 y* s+ J4 l- A1 i( H
7 z! j$ F3 A* g) U2 W6 |( [14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
2 W( u) y2 k- }( a男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。
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  x9 h% A7 o' L, z( x  Z. z0 f6 x16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
0 |0 g* n% h  K, k$ q7 L" I我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
/ ?) m6 N+ d' t' W1 Y每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。
0 z# f. p" M) n4 n3 D9 {! _1 j7 ?, C: E
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
0 u7 |3 y% M% {! R! i曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
XXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
XXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。

4 t7 M- x7 ], Y( F; x: G( s39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
5 C4 ]; a% U7 M9 o若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊
' d* w( n( E: a9 I

4 r$ m* t" |% n- _另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子
: U, T: e3 ~& V' |. i8 \- [
; D' i) K7 `9 e% L第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
: E/ B$ N1 V" {4 }1 g  T不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了
8 c+ B3 K2 J2 C; m# C7 n! R
! Q& _4 B; _; D+ w" o7 E7 K7 B我觉得N版改得经典